Articles by Jodie
Getting Back The Confident You!
Jodie Bruce-Clarke
Ok, so you’ve had a baby! Maybe you had a good birth, a shocking birth, a scary first week, a terrible time breastfeeding, a great partner, a rotten partner, no sleep or the whole thing has gone just like you imagined it would!
Whatever your situation, about 80% of us will suffer the ‘baby blues’ at some point at the beginning of this new, exciting and downright overwhelming set of circumstances. Other women will develop Postnatal Depression, ranging in severity from mild cases to severe cases which require professional help.
There are many changes for a woman through this time of her life and changes that she may not have experienced before. There are:
- Physical changes – our bodies have changed, our hormones have changed, we are experiencing broken sleep and exhaustion;
- Emotional changes – a baby brings a whole new set of demands on a woman which she may not be fully prepared for. There is also usually a change to the dynamic of her relationship with her partner and close people around her. Not to mention a loss of independence when you realise how much more challenging it is to leave the house;
- Material and Social changes – there may be changes to income if the woman has given up her wage or career over this time which will effect her freedom and independence. Society also has many expectations on what motherhood ‘should’ look like and a new Mum may try to live up to these. She may find it more difficult to do the things she always did with her friends or stay in contact with certain groups.
All of these changes can all have an impact on our confidence levels and make us feel as though we have lost a sense of ourselves. It is important that we women try to maintain our confidence and self-esteem throughout this time and below are a few tips to help you along the way.
- Stop ALL Criticism!
Research suggests that on average, we have 360,000 thoughts each waking hour. How many of your 360,000 thoughts in the last hour were positive and empowering?
The first (and I believe the most important) thing to do to regain your confidence is to stop all self-criticism! Yes, that’s right, all of it! Ok, so your tired, your body is now a different shape, your breasts are 6 times the size of what they use to be and are probably about to start facing down. Self-criticism and berating yourself are probably the most damaging things you can do.
When are we going to realise that criticism just doesn’t work? I guarantee you that nothing positive ever came from criticism and negativity. It is all just a terrible waste of energy (energy that you probably don’t have much of right now).
You must start changing some of these thoughts immediately! As soon as a negative thought creeps into your head or you start criticising yourself, STOP! Just stop yourself mid thought and acknowledge what you are doing. Being aware of these thoughts is the first step.
Then, think of a more positive, empowering thought to replace that negative one and replace it every time it comes into your head. Sound simple? It really is you know. It is simple for your brain to think negative thoughts, isn’t it so you just have to change the programming by repeatedly changing those thoughts to positive one’s. Eventually, your brain will get the message.
- Give Up Doubt!
Why do we automatically doubt that we can do something before we even try? What would open up for you in your life if you related to yourself as someone who could do anything?
Doubt isn’t ever going to go away as it’s a natural part of life. It’s always going to be there, and a level of doubt will always arise when you are in an unfamiliar situation or experience (like childbirth and looking after a newborn!)
The negative voice in your head starts talking relentlessly, and sometimes it feels like it has taken over; but the thing to remember is that this happens to everyone! Everyone deals with it, and you are not the only one who questions whether they can or can’t do something.
The problem is that we generally give doubt too much power. When doubt arises and shows us the negative outlook, we relate to it as reality or truth. It’s not! Doubt is just the expression of a question, an unknown. All it is saying is: ‘are you sure you can do that – are you sure this will work out – do you think that is the choice you want to make?’
It’s just a question so just take a moment to change your relationship with the question. It is just a question and it really has no power or truth until you give it some.
- Surround yourself with confidence.
They say that if you want to make a million dollars then you should hang out with millionaires! The same thing applies to increasing your confidence. Who are you hanging around? Yes, people mean well but the last thing you need is someone dropping over to see the new bubs and telling you how hard it’s all going to be or to expect a rough time from here on in!
A new baby can bring it’s challenges but it can also open up a whole new world of people to you. You may meet some other mum’s at your antenatal class, a playgroup or a mothers group run by a local clinic. Have a good look around and seek out the positive, confident Mum’s and ask one of them out for coffee. This is a great opportunity to surround yourself with some new confident people and it will make a world of difference to your own levels of confidence.
- You are the expert!
Many people around us claim to be experts and we rely on them in many areas across our lives. We seek medical experts, financial experts, relationship experts and all sorts of other experts on anything from cooking to parenting. We read books, hire consultants, attend courses, seek counselling, seek advice and try to learn from people who are recognised in their fields. Not to mention the countless people around you who will ‘claim’ they know what they are talking about.
Sometimes, we can get so focussed on learning from the experts and listening to everyone’s opinion around us that we forget that we are the only experts in our own lives (and our newborns!). You make the decisions about your life and only you are accountable. With this understanding comes our own instinct, intuition and inner voice. Have you ever been given some advice that you just ‘know’ is not correct, even through it is coming out of the mouth of a recognised ‘expert’? Somehow, that specific advice just doesn’t fit for us individually and we have to trust our own instinct that not everything and expert (or a mother-in-law) says will be right for us.
So stay confident, stay positive and remember that you know what is best for you and your family’s life. Even though your body doesn’t look quite the same, your can’t leave the house with just a handbag anymore and, for the first time in your life your expensive eye cream can’t cover up the dark circles…that doesn’t change who you are! You are still the strong, smart, powerful, amazing, confident woman you once were! (Maybe just with a little less sleep and a not so perky cleavage!)
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